So last night I took a couple of our families to the church's Star Wars overnighter where we watched 4 of the 6 movies (I, II, IV, & VI), talked about the theological implications of Star Wars, played silly games and overall had a good time. Now I had planned on leaving when the last 3 movies started, but I didn't end up doing so mainly because I knew it would be a bigger hassle to wake up in my nice quiet apartment and leave my nice warm bed to take our families home in the morning. So I want to share how I woke up because it is terribly entertaining.... 6:45 am I wake up and there is a lightsaber (construction paper, tape and straws) is in my face. I'm like uh... and this kid from the church goes "Are you Sith or Jedi? If you answer wrong prepare to meet your fate." and I'm all... "Uh... I'm a wookie?" And the kid goes "Ok then I'll just send my brother's deathstar to kill your whole planet." He and I then had a conversation about him being Sith and him struggling with that since Obi Wan is his favorite but he's Obi Wan's enemy. Oh the tangled webs we weave as 9 year olds. But really... who gets a wake up call like that at 6:45 am?

So I slept a lot of the day, finished up some worship planning which I have been struggling through for a couple of weeks now, and went to counterculture. I had planned on going to the immigration reform rally at 11 am, but totally slept through it. Sleep overpowered my push for social justice I am afraid to say. The worship planning has been considerably harder than expected. I am helping with a couple of services at a local church for Palm Sunday and Easter. I wish I could say that finding songs and trying to create a vision in my head was easy, but being out of the loop with it for nearly a year it was really hard. I also definitely miss having a group of people discuss the direction the worship should take and whatnot. I kept asking myself things like... what could I have Jason write up for this? or where is someone to bring me back to reality on song choices? In any case, there were some struggles and I hope that the vision comes to fruition in what I've got so far. In any case, I definitely believe that when you don't do things for awhile the ability to do them with ease can be difficult.

So counterculture. I know that it was all what God needed me to hear tonight. We've been talking about abiding in God these past few weeks, and tonight hit me like a ton of bricks. I've had lots of those brick like experiences this week, which usually come only when I'm completely not paying attention to God in my life. As someone who is very focused on what I'm doing for God (it is the nature of my job) sometimes I forget to give God room to move in my life. This has been a realization that is ongoing for me because I sort of fade in and out of that deep spiritual connection with God. I didn't go out tonight after counterculture, I think for the first time since I've been here. I told someone it was because I didn't know where they were going, which is true, but I could have probably found out. Instead I think it is more that I am afraid to let people help me get through what is on my heart right now. If it weren't for work this week, I think I'd label myself a hermit. I wish I could say that my being a hermit this week happened because I've been focusing on God, but instead I'd venture to say I've been hiding. This week has been my spiritual lent if you will. We all go through times like this, whether we know what causes it or not, but being spiritually dry is a difficult thing to go through when all you do throughout the week is give. It makes giving that much harder and really can cause some sense of insecurity and loneliness that is difficult to overcome. I've never been one to share my feelings like this, but somewhere I know that it is good to be vulnerable sometimes.

I hate times when I'm driving our families in the car and they say something they shouldn't and then go oh no we can't say that in the missionary car. Or times when people praise me abundantly for what I'm doing and say they never could because they have this or that holding them back. The truth of the matter is this, we all go through mountain top experiences where making decisions like this are easy, but we also all go through our valley or desert experience that make life tough. I am human. I fail sometimes. Yes, I am called by God to be here in Albuquerque, working with families, but just because I am called by God does not mean that everything in my life is perfect all of the time. If that were the case, everyone would want to be a missionary or a pastor, and well... that just isn't the case.

This entry was posted on Saturday, April 01, 2006 at 10:32 PM. You can skip to the end and leave a response.